Thursday, July 21

Instructions for Stupid People

I’ve received this before through email and thought it was pretty funny. I recently found it again and thought I would share.

Instructions for Stupid People:
In Honor of Stupid People (an expansion as well as a revisit)

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(Damn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
Details inside.
(The shoplifter special)?

On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(And that would be how???.....)

On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(But, it's "just" a suggestion).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."
(Well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????....)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(But wouldn't this save me more time)? ***I, Maddog, know someone with a scar for failing to heed such a warning***

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness..."
(And...I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(As opposed to...what)?

On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
(Now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
(Talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: maybe, Delta?)

On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Ouch! My God...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

Saturday, July 9

Obscurities Vs.

Who would win in a fight between Clifford the Big Red Dog and the entire cast of Sesame Street? Why? Don’t forget about Telly and his undefeated pit-fighting record from back in his drinking days. Additionally, they don’t call Snuffleupagus- Snuffy ‘cause he likes the coke.

Friday, July 1

4 Nights In Bangkok: The Lead Up

My body is covered head to toe in sweat. My back keeps sticking to the plastic mattress tied to my shity-folding cot. The pungent odder of 30+ other sweaty guys hangs heavy in the air, the humidity its constant companion. It’s hot, damn hot, and past midnight.

Our barracks consists of a bunch of white painted cinder blocks and screens, no running water or bathrooms. This means when I get up in 4 hours I’ll leave my PT shorts on (the really cool short ones), pull on my jungle boots, find a dry brown T-shirt, and don the jungle boonie just before I stager outside to wait for a turn to use some of the cleanest pissers this side of the Mekong River. (The water for the shiters comes from an engorged balloon that sits just outside)

4 and half hours later I walk into the shiter, thinking about how cool I look, and when sitting down notice the giant gecko (?) hanging on the backside of the door. This thing is probably one and a half times the size of my boot and I’m trying to figure out how to catch it. When I’m finished, I decide to give the bottom of the door some test taps to check the gecko’s reaction. Nothing. I slide my boot a little closer. CRAK! It sounds as if someone had dropped an MRE bomb as its jaws snap together. While I stand there, slightly befuddled, it moves faster then I can react to watch. It escaped up and over the wall I assume form the shout in the next stall.

I walk away thinking next time if I just stomp on its tail… and hold its head or body down with my E-tool…