Thursday, April 28

The S&M Man

I realize at the head of this blog it states “the perfect mix of intelligence and belligerence,” but the majority has been more akin to belligerence. That is due to the taxing of my intellectual abilities ells were, and so you wind up with the belligerence. Just an explanation, on with the belligerence…

Here’s a second truck song for all you fans out there. This is to the tune of “The Candy Man” by Sammy Davis Jr. (Who can take a rainbow Sprinkle something something…) Now remember this is done as a group, one guy leads and everyone repeats. When the lead says the funny line everyone stops repeating, instead they sing:
The S&M man The S&M man The S&M man ‘cause he fills the pain with love and makes the hurt feel good, makes the hurt feel good.

Example, followed by song:

Lead: Who can take a tricycle
Everyone: Who can take a tricycle

Lead: Rip off the seat
Everyone: Rip off the seat

Lead: Put your sister on it push her down a bumpy street

Everyone: The S&M man The S&M man The S&M man ‘cause he fills the pain with love and makes the hurt feel good, makes the hurt feel good.

Who can take some first graders

12 stories high

Pump ‘em full of acid and convince them they can fly

The S&M man The S&M man The S&M man ‘cause he fills the pain with love and makes the hurt feel good, makes the hurt feel good.

Who can take a baby

Lay it on its back

Fuck it up the ass until you here its pelvis crack

The S&M man The S&M man The S&M man ‘cause he fills the pain with love and makes the hurt feel good, makes the hurt feel good.

Who can take two ice picks

Stick ‘em in her ears

Fuck her from behind as he’s shiftin’ through the gears

Who can take your grandma

Out in the front lawn

Fuck her wrinkled twat as your grandpa cheers him on

Who can take a baby

Lay it on the bed

Grab it by the ears and fuck the soft spot in its head

Who can take your grandpa

Tie him to a chair

Then fuck him in the ass until he has no anal hair

Who can take two cheese graders

Strap’em to his arms

Push them in and out and make some pussy parmesan

Who can take a nazi

Bend him over a pew

Fuck him in the ass until he converts into a Jew

You can switch leads often when everyone knows several verses, this keeps momentum when your struggling to remember a verse, as such they can be sung in any order. This is by no means an all-inclusive list.

Monday, April 18


I kind of deviated from my story theme, but I am short on time, and am neglecting my work even now. When I get back on top of things, which most likely wont be until after finals, I think I’ll ditch the chronological order and start posting the best story from every country I’ve been to.
I was falling behind before Vegas and Drake, and now I have late papers in 3 classes, and have yet to do any math homework for the entire last chapter (did great on the test though). I don’t know why I’m telling you this, I probably don’t even know you, but at least I’ve given my mind a little break from what seems to be an unending… whatever, you know what I mean, I got to go.

Wednesday, April 13

Who is Dirty Sanchez?

Ok, if no one wants to comment on Pantano, here’s some sick shit that every soldier will enjoy. Grammar/spelling may be just as bad as the content. Complete list at <>

Angry Dragon
Immediately after you blow your load in a girl's mouth, smack the back of her head and make it come out her nose. When she gets up she'll look like an angry dragon.

Abraham Lincoln
You see it is like the donkey punch, which I hope you know, but this one you’ll do her doggy style, and much like Lincoln got shot in the back of his head, you punch her knocking her unconscious. Now, turn her back to the floor and bust all over her face and cut your pubs and sprinkle them onto her face, hence the name Abraham Lincoln.

The Bronco
You start by going doggy style and then just when she is really enjoying it, you grab her tits as tight as possible and yell another girls name. This gives you the feeling of riding a wild bronco as she desperately tries to buck you off.

Brown Necktie
You're about halfway through ass-wrecking a chick, and instead of filling up her keister with your demonseed, you pull out and proceed to tittie fuck her, leaving a brown streak between the funbags.

The Bullwinkle
The sign given to a friend in hiding while doggie styling' some chick. It is performed by placing both hands over the head, with palms facing out and waving wildly. Can be supplemented by shouting "Hey Rocky." (Make sure to use appropriate Bullwinkle voice tone.)

Butter Face
When you see a chick with an awesome body, "but her face", is nasty.

The Carpet Cleaner
While banging a girl doggy style, tie her arms behind her back, lift up her hips, and run around the room pushing her face first across the carpet. Not recommended with large women.

The Chicken Cutlet
While banging a bitch on the beach, pull out your cock roll it around in some sand and stick it back in.

Cleveland Steamer
The act of leaving a shit stain on the rib cage of a woman while receiving penile pleasure from friction between the mammaries.

The Compton Gangbang
You meet a young lady at the bar. She tells you she has a boyfriend, but she ends up going home with you anyway for a one-night stand. When you take her to your place, tell your friends to wait outside your bedroom door. Just when she's about to get off, your friends barge in the room and plainly beat the shit out of her. That should teach her not to fuck around. (Ladies, feel free to perform a Compton Gangbang on guys too. I know you've got some fat girlfriends to help you out.)

Couch Bombing
When you fill a small ziploc sandwich bag with Crisco (or your favorite lubrication) and place it between the cushions on the couch. You then proceed to fuck the couch as if it were a woman...but no need to buy It dinner first

Cum Guzzling Sperm Burping Bitch
The once in a lifetime act when blowing a hot steamy load down the back of the girl's throat, proceed to give her a large cold bottle of your most favorite carbonated drink and make her guzzle it down. Then, shake her head vigorously back and forth to create the Cum Guzzling, Sperm Burping effect. A great way to impress your friends.

Dirty Sanchez
A time honored event in which while laying the bone doggie style, you insert your finger into her asshole. You then pull it out and wipe it across her upper lip leaving a thin shit mustache. This makes her look like someone whose name is Dirty Sanchez.

Dutch Oven
Entrapping an unsuspecting sleeping partner in a world of ass odor by farting under the covers and pulling them over her head (and yours as well if you're into that sort of thing).

The Fire Island
This consists of telling someone you're going to spunk on their face while they are asleep, only half-jokingly, and then when they don't believe you, doing it just to prove that you're that demented.

Flooding The Cave
Inserting the penis into a woman's pussy and then urinating inside her. Applies to butt pirates as well.

The Flying Camel
A personal favorite. As she is lying on her back and you are hammering her from your knees. You very carefully move forward and prop yourself (without using your arms) on your dick while it is still inserted in her vagina. You then proceed to flap your arms and let out a long shrieking howl much like a flying camel. Strictly a class move.

Flying Dragon
After blowing your load into your girlfriends, mouth immediately follow up with a spinning heel kick to the face

The Flying Dutchman
This didn't used to be a specific deviant sexual act, it was just a phrase that sounded dirty and would be shouted out during intercourse on occasion simply for the novelty factor. However, its popularity increased and it has now developed into a specific act, namely that of, just as you are about to blow a load, in any sort of sexual situation (even masturbation for those true pioneers who are constantly on the cutting edge of the sexual revolution) you begin to shout, "Here comes the Flying Dutchman!" This should confuse your sexual partner (or whoever is in hearing range) completely, sometimes causing interesting side effects.

With two hands, spread your tramp's anus open, then spit a big-ass loogie down the asshole then close it back up. You can give her a smack on the ass when you're done, if you want.

The Hindenburg
When some slut who is so bad at oral sex, you're forced to cry "Oh! The humanity!" as her teeth scrape your man tool.

While banging your bitch doggystyle build up until your about to cum then pull out and spit on her back, when she turns around let her have it in the face

Hot Karl
The act in which a woman sucks the cock of the same man who moments earlier was balls deep in her can.

The Jedi Mind Trick
When banging your partner, you repeatedly shout "I'm NOT fucking you, I'm NOT fucking you".

The Juanita Special Bean Dip
While your tramp rides you like a mechanical bull, insert your thumb into her poop chute (be sure to get your thumb nice and gooey), then stick your brown thumb into her mouth, and slip it under her tongue so she can get the full robust taste of the Juanita "special" bean dip.

The Menthol
The act of getting head from a woman who just moments earlier ate a numerous amounts of cough drops, thus insuring a pleasurable, tingly feeling on your cock.

Monkey Wrench
When some sadistic bitch takes your dick back between your legs and sucks you off.

The Mung
Obtain a female that has been dead for 2-3 days (the time period since death is important). Then place your mouth just outside her vaginal opening. Have a friend jump on her stomach, and try to catch as much stuff that comes out as you can in your mouth.

New York Style Taco
Anytime when you are so drunk that when you go down, you barf on her box. Happy trails.

The Nixon
A variation of the Bullwinkle in which you give two peace signs as your signal of dominance. May enhance the act by shaking jowls and yelling, "I'm not a crook". This is considered very bold and is frowned upon for those with a modicum of decorum.

While you're nailing some girl doggie style and your friend is catching some head off the same girl, you get a quick game of pattycake going. This makes you reminisce of your childhood memories and eases the sight of watching your friend blow his load.

Paying The Rent
A position in which the woman is folded in half, knees above shoulders, while the man holds the back of her calves and bangs ferociously.

Peanut Butter And Jelly Sandwich
Shit on a woman's snatch during menstruation. Proceed to munch. Mmmm Mmmm Nasty! (Crunchy or smooth...depending on what you've been eating.)

Pink Sock
This is performed by nailing your bitch doggystyle in her asshole and giving her a simultaneous vigerous blow to the sides of her kidneys thus pulling her colon out onto your dick

The Pirate's Treasure
While fucking your girl in the ass, you strike a hefty load of shit. After you've found this buried treasure deep in her booty, you scream, "Argh!", like a pirate.

Take a clear, glass plate and place it on your partners face, then shit on it. It gives them a nice view without all the messy cleanup. How come you don't see that on any Dawn commercials.

Puerto Rican Fog Bank
While 69ing with your partner, release a cloud of sphincter fog directly into her nostrils.

Purple Mushroom
This occurs when a woman is giving you oral sex and you withdraw your penis in order to poke it back into her cheek. It should leave a lasting impression similar to a purple mushroom.

The Ram
When attacking from behind, you start ramming her head against the wall in a rhythmic motion. The force of the wall should allow for deeper penetration. Very handy in those lulls in penile sensitivity.

Rear Admiral
An absolute blast. When getting a chick from behind (while both partners standing), make sure you don't let her grab on to anything when she is bent over. Then, drive you hips into her backside so that you end up pushing her forwards. The goal is to push her into a wall or table. It's almost as much fun to watch her face hit the floor. You rise to Admiral status when you can bang her around the room without crashing into anything and not using your hands to grab onto her hips

Red Wings
Another name for navigating the moose knuckle with your tongue while discovering the girl is on her rag. Be a real man and earn your red wings soldier!

When a girl is asleep, carefully open her mouth so that she doesn't awake. Then, squat over her face and carefully place your shit hole on her lips. When the time is right, you let rip the biggest baddest fart ever known to man and see if it wakes her up. Great fun during those long sleepless nights.

The Roddy Piper
When getting your girl from behind, you toss the sleeper hold on her and knock her out ala Rowdy Roddy Piper. While nailing your unconscious victim, you get to simulate your life long dream of necrophilia. Now you never have to break into the morgue again.

The Rodeo
Similar to the Bronco. You start once again, banging a chick from behind. At a pre-arranged time you grab her hair with one hand just as several buddies bust into the room. See if you can hang on for 8 seconds cowboy. Yee Haw!

The Rose Creeper
Seductively brush a beautiful long stem red rose against your sweetheart's neck, breasts, and inner thigh. Slowly rub the rose along her smooth skin as you tenderly kiss her entire body. After working her into the mood for some deep love making, unzip your fly and pull out your raging boner. Begin to punish-fuck her dumper while whipping her with the rose and screaming nasty obscenities at her. I bet she never saw that coming.

The Rusty Trombone
This is what happens when you've got a less then respectable female (AKA be-yatch) tongue deep in your chute. She wiggles her tongue as she does the reach around to pump you like a Catholic priest doing an Alter Boy, thus mimicking a trombone player.

I believe that it might be a cousin of the "SandBag" but this works way better.
Ok your meet this dumb whore at the beach and ask her to take a walk on the beach. After you lay your mac down, you begin to rip her clothes off planning to plant your demon seed. While her legs are on your shoulders, you reach down with your left hand and pinch her ass (creating the sandcrab effect)...taking her attention away from your right hand where your grabbing a hand full of sand. As you explode your man shake, throw the sand in her face and RUN! This creates the diversion you need to make that quick get away. Leaving her knocked up with a face full of sand, feeling like a dumb whore.

Shirley Temple
Pour a can of 7-Up on a girl's menstruating pussy and eat her out.

Snerd Nurgling
The act of moving your anal lovers turds about within his/her lower intestine with your dick. Really popular with the lavender boys, hence the expression, "Oh Lance, Nergle me you Snerd"...

Ah yes, every man's worst nightmare, the dreaded snowball. This happens when a girl blows you and spits the jizz in your mouth. Another definition is when a girl blows some other guy, and then gives you a hot sloppy kiss with some of that guy's fresh jizz still in her mouth. With all those dirty broads out there, odds are it has happened to you. Just ask your friends if it has, cause they probably already know and have been laughing their asses off at you.

Stranger On The Rocks
Numbing your hand by sticking it in a bucket of ice and then jerking off. Spanken not stirred.

Stingy Nut
When a chick isn't worth fucking; pull down her pants, bend her over, and jerk off all over her ass.

3-Eyed Turtle
Basically plug every orifice of a girl in the following manner: thumb in ass, fingers in pussy, and dick in mouth.

The Tortoise
When you eat out someone who doesn't have pubic hair yet - i.e. you got there before the hair (hare) did.

Tossing Salad
A common prison act where one person basically chows asshole with the help of whatever condiments are available. (I.e. jelly, syrup, olive oil, etc.)

Wake Up Call
Waking up in the middle of the night with the hard on of your life. You then turn to your fast asleep partner and dry fuck her ass into oblivion. The clincher to performing a wake up call is to act like nothing of the sort happened in the morning. E.g. "Sweetheart, what's that on your back?"

The Walrus
After spunking in a girl's mouth, you pinch the center of her two lips together and hold her nose. This will force the cum to dribble out of the sides of her mouth, thus the teeth of the walrus.

Western Grip
When jerking off, turn your hand around, so that your thumb is facing towards you. It is the same grip that rodeo folks use, hence, western.

The Zombie MaskWhile getting head from your favorite, unsuspecting, trash-barrel whore, tell her you want her to look right up at you with those pretty little eyes" when you blow your load. Then, just when you're ready to spew a good week's worth of goo, blast that hefty load in both eyes. This temporary state of blindness will produce the zombie effect as she stumbles around the room with arms outstretched, and moaning lik

Friday, April 8

To the Honorable Collin C. Peterson,

I have a wife and two beautiful daughters, three-and-a-half and one-and-a-half. Besides my duties as a loving father and husband, I enlisted into the MN National Guard after first serving four years of active-duty Army with 1/75 Ranger Battalion. In addition to my duties as a team leader in our guard unit, I am employed part time with FedEx Ground and support my family on the $9.50 an hour I make there. In addition to this I am enrolled full time at Bemidji State University with 16 credits (I had to drop 3). On top of this I am also enrolled in their Honors Program, and am maintaining a 3.93 GPA.

I would think that it is obvious, to any observer, that I have little time. However I have taken time out of my busy day to inform you of what I feel is a positive way to correct a gross disservice to our military.

I will not lie out the facts, as I am sure you are aware of them, although allow me one more comment. I will most likely be leaving my wife and children soon to serve in Iraq, and would like to remind you that as the deaths of American soldiers continue their progress toward the scrolling text beneath talking heads discussing real air-time worthy stories like Michel Jackson, many of us have had to make do with yellow ribbon bumper stickers and American flags to show our support for the troops. You sir, stand in a position to aid us all in that capacity- support House Resolution 167.

Thank you for your time,

SGT Mattson, Robin A.

This was the letter I recently wrote and sent in. If you don’t know what I’m talking about but would like to, check out the save Pantano link or visit Feel free to send in your own letters, if you have the time.

Monday, April 4


I don’t have the time to be writing this, but I had to post something.

I spent most of my time seeing the sights at the casinos. They all have really interesting architecture, and many have free shows. Like the gymnast/air show at the Tropicana, the water at the Bellagio, the volcano erupting at the Mirage, the pirate show at Treasure Island, the lions at MGM, the entire length of Freemont St., and so on. Lots of the shows you pay for are very expensive, some around $300 for cheap seats.

I did go to the top of the Stratosphere and ride some rides, and also went to the tournament at Excalibur (similar to Medieval Times).

With all this I didn’t have much time to actually play at the casino’s, but I did squeak in about two hours of craps and came out ahead about $80. Pretty good for staying near the $3 minimum.
That was pretty fast, any questions just ask.