Saturday, July 9

Obscurities Vs.

Who would win in a fight between Clifford the Big Red Dog and the entire cast of Sesame Street? Why? Don’t forget about Telly and his undefeated pit-fighting record from back in his drinking days. Additionally, they don’t call Snuffleupagus- Snuffy ‘cause he likes the coke.

17 Comments:

At 9:11 AM, Blogger Johnny Rooke said...

Clifford's size is daunting yet not the advantage one might think. Unable to guard his '6' Clifford gets casterated by Big-Bird. The 'BB' slides in behind and uses a sharpened letter 'P' to cut Clif's sack and both of his enomous testicals fall out.

The End.

 
At 7:38 PM, Blogger Maddog said...

No, no, couldn’t happen. I think Clifford’s already neutered. He’s got to be; you never see his junk in any of the books.

 
At 8:52 PM, Anonymous Rev. Sardonicus said...

I gotta go with you on Telly -- he's the real wildcard here. As a second-tier cast member, he knows that the merchandising department isn't interested in selling Telly items. That's what keeps him up at night.

 
At 6:29 PM, Blogger grey said...

Neutered? Clifford is a fucking bitch. A female dog that is. Damn, people.

 
At 6:40 AM, Blogger Maddog said...

Clearly you guys need to brush up on your pre-school non-fiction.

 
At 12:48 PM, Blogger Maddog said...

Amassed beneath the streetlights, the Sesame crew stands prepared for battle. The stench of raw hamburger and gunpowder fill the air as Emily Elizabeth leads Clifford through the crowds and past the Southern roadblock as they advance on Sesame Street. A cool evening breeze accompanies the high tensioned moment of silence that follows Clifford’s approach.

An ear shattering battle cry of “ME HUNGRY,” erupts from Cookie Monster. He explodes toward his adversary chanting “Me hungry for BLOOD.” Alas, all it takes is a flip of Clifford’s massive head to end CM’s noble charge and send him sailing through Mr. Hooper’s Store window.

An enraged Clifford wades through a steadily rising sea of corpses, as he seeks for the high-pitched shrieks of Elmo. Clifford finds whom he seeks at the feet of super Grover, who valiantly dies seconds before Elmo’s bones are ground between the teeth of the big red dog. Elmo being now nothing more then a red streak on Cliffs chin and a chunk of flesh between his teeth, the advance toward Big Bird begins.

Big Bird sits cross-legged in his nest trying to animate his imaginary friend Snuffleupagus. As Clifford nears the completion of his charge and Big Birds demise, he is flanked from the adjacent alley when Snuffy plows into his right front leg, sending the red giant tumbling. Without hesitation Telly moves in to work Cliffs underside as Count flies in for the jugular.

Clifford’s fur and hide being too thick for von Count, big red decapitates the only man keeping track of the death toll. Returning to his feet, unaffected by Telly, Clifford intercepts Snuffys second charge. The impact is immense, but big Cliff being prepared this time, sends imaginary blood everywhere and crashes the dead behemoth on top of Telly. Returning to Big Bird, Clifford is again sent to the ground. Cliffs gargantuan size had allowed a battered Cookie Monster, glass still protruding from his mangled flesh, to eat 3/4 the way through reds hind leg before his own nervous system could get his brain the message.

A downed Clifford, wanting to make no mistakes this time sinks his teeth into blue fur and broken glass, shaking his head violently as he returns to three feet. Clifford’s muzzle, caked in blood, again is turned toward the yellow ringleader, only to find the reanimated corpse of Snuffy bearing down upon him.

With all the grace a three-legged dog can muster, he leaps over the charging Snuffleupagus, and clamps tight his jaws around BB’s head. Turning quickly to prepare for Snuffys next charge, red takes the yellow birds head as he leaves its body behind to run back and forth, convulsing while covering any remaining dry spots along the street with blood.

Snuffy dissolves as the last of the big birds blood drains into the gutters lining Sesame St. In Snuffys place appear Bert and Ernie holding hands in a slow approach.

“ Please spare us, for it was not until this moment of great loss that we were able to finally embrace the truth behind our relationship. A truth we have hidden from ourselves and each other until now,” Bert meagerly whimpered to the towering dog of death before him.

Bared teeth and squinted eyes were Cliff’s only reply. As Bert and Ernie turned to share their first and last kiss, big red put an end to the day by smothering their lives and their love beneath his gigantic red paw.

 
At 6:32 AM, Blogger Johnny Rooke said...

No, Clifford is no bitch. The fact of the matter is that the child-porn industry, which underwrites PBS under many names including the Carnegie Foundation, censors every episode. Cliff's enormous sack is digitally removed using software developed by George Lucas (raging fag).

 
At 3:57 PM, Blogger Cowboy said...

GOD Help Us All

 
At 7:44 AM, Blogger Zeke said...

Too bad Clifford didn't get his daily teaspoon of love (which makes him big) and he returns to the poodle size frome whence he came, drowning in all the blood from his maw.

 
At 5:14 PM, Blogger Maddog said...

Again, no, Emily Elizabeth gave Clifford a bunch of extra love during fight-prep, if you know what I mean. That slut is such a tease to poor Cliff.

 
At 9:34 AM, Blogger zealott said...

Fucking Hilarious! Now seriously, who would win between Dora the Explorer and Spongebob Squarepants. I'm talking about a fair fight, boxing rules. This is tough because Spongebob is a boy and Dora is Mexican. I think this makes them pretty well matched.

 
At 12:33 PM, Blogger Johnny Rooke said...

If Sponge Bob wins, then it would have to be him vs. Bob the Builder. Vegas puts the Builder at a 4:1 to win in 6 rounds.

 
At 12:45 PM, Anonymous vickie said...

hey, Rob...a website for you:
www.chairforce.com Enjoy!

 
At 6:45 PM, Blogger Maddog said...

Ha, ha…some funny videos but that dancing cadet’s got nothing on me.

 
At 9:24 AM, Anonymous vickie said...

indeed...he pales in comparison ;)

 
At 8:09 AM, Blogger DaddyYank said...

Clifford all day

 
At 8:28 PM, Anonymous vickie said...

How about Richard Simmons vs Carrot Top?

 

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